Funnies

Someone asked on MeFi recently: What's the funniest joke that doesn't involve making fun of anyone? [Link]

I am copying those that I enjoyed the most over here for easy access later.


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his crotch. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey pirate, why have you got that steering wheel in your crotch?" The pirate says, "Arr, it's driving me nuts!"

A neutron walks into a bar.
The barkeeper says "For you, no charge!"

Why do farts stink?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.

A rabbi, a horse, and an astronaut walk into a bar. The barman looks at the three of them and says "Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?"

Did you hear about the woman who walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre?
The barman gave her one.


Guy walks into a pet store to get some cat food and as he's walking down the aisle, he passes a parrot cage. The parrot inside says, "psst! Hey buddy!" Guy turns around and says, "yes?" The parrot says, "FUCK YOU!" The man is taken aback, but gets his cat food and goes on.

A week later, the same guy comes back for some more cat food and he walks down the aisle, passes the parrot cage and the parrot says, "Pssssst! Hey, Buddy!" The man warily turns to the parrot and says, "Yes?" The parrot says "FUCK YOU!"

The man asks to speak with the manager and says, "Listen, I don't want to take my business elsewhere but that parrot is rude and offensive." The manager apologizes and assures the man it will NEVER HAPPEN again.

So a week later, the man comes to the pet store for some cat food and he passes the parrot cage and the parrot says, "Psssst! Hey, buddy!" The man slowly turns and says, "what?" The parrot nods and says, "You know what."


What do you get if you cross an elephant and a cucumber?
Elephant cucumber sine theta.

How many Ivy League graduates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One: He holds the bulb and the universe spins around him.


First-year students at Purdue Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, with drew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."


A guy writing to the Bombay Zoo:

Dear Sir, Please send me two mongooses.
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongooses mongeese.
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongooses mongeese mongi.
Dear Sir, Please send me a mongoose. On second thoughts, make it two.


Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

Two sharks meet in the desert. One says to the other "Long time no sea".

A horse walks into a bartender. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"


A lonely man went into the local pet store looking for an unusual pet as a companion. The store owner suggested a centipede. " What sort of a companion would a centipede be?" the man asked. "This is a most unusual centipede, the store owner said. "He's a great conversationalist and he loves to drink."

The man took the centipede home ad put him in a box on the windowsill. That evening the man asked, "Would you like to go out for a beer?" Receiving no response, the man said, "How about it, would you like to join me for a drink at my favorite bar?" Again there was no response, so the man fairly shouted, "Hey, in there! How about goin out for a drink?" To which a tiny voice replied, " I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes." - from Playboy's Party Jokes of all places.


A chicken and an egg are laying in bed under the sheets. The chicken takes a drag of a cigarette, turns to the egg, and says, "Well I guess this answers that question."



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